I'll take famous pandemics for 200

There is an enormous supply of personality quizzes on the series of tubes that is the Internet. The last one I took asked me to draw a pig. I drew a half-assed pig to get to the punch line as quickly as possible. The result told me I'm a risk taker who never has sex. So now I’m thinking I need to get rid of the microwave.

Speaking of pigs and things that are killing my patience, the H1N1 vaccine will hands down be my vote for the most absurd event of 2009 – when VH1 gets around to that show. The government is telling me my kids are in a high-risk group and I should get them vaccinated now. The government does not have enough vaccines for said high-risk group. The media is making parents hysterical with daily reports of children dying. My pediatrician is not participating because they don't "know enough" about it. Health professionals who have limited supplies are making me feel like I want other children dead because I selfishly want my kids vaccinated. My kids are pissed that they have to get two shots that look scary and hurt.

I feel a song coming on. And you thought it was going to be Piggies. I'm not that predictable. Besides, Piggies is reserved for the swine who care more about their profits than more people having access to affordable, life-saving health care.

Speaking of personality quizzes, tell me a little about yourself via the online poll to your left.

Well, that's natural

Benny came to me very upset last night. He thought he had farted but when he looked at his underwear "poop also came out." He couldn't understand why and how that happened. I told him to not worry because he had only "sharted" – it happens. "Oh" he said, and then proceeded to say sharted twice so he'd remember the word to use the next time. I am certain he is repeating it to his teacher right now. Is sharted a curse word? I hope not.

I choose water and obliviousness
I'm still tingly from the Sept. 9 release of the Beatles Remastered. There's been a lot of eating and listening this past week. Today the iPod shuffled me a Beatles' that goes good with water. While I don't condone the suggestion in Run for Your Life, I can appreciate running on a treadmill and drinking water while it plays, pretending John wants me to run for my life in an effort to be healthy. Mmmmm, sweet oblivious pretending.

Fool on the Hill
Even though jackass is perhaps my favorite derogatory description of stupid people, today's fool is President Obama. Really? You've been in politics this long and don't know the ramifications of an open mic with a gaggle of reporters in earshot? Really? I'm bewildered. I would "cut him some slack" if communications was not my profession. Dude. Ugh.

Thanks to all who took my dessert poll. A little of yum won the majority of votes. I'm trying that in principle, but I'm afraid I've been eating a lot of yum lately. Dairy Queen has a new blizzard flavor – cookie jar.

Books are bad, m'kay

You may wonder why I, a writer by profession, would say such an appalling thing. Does she want her kids to be stupid? I do not, in fact, so I'll continue to fake my enthusiasm for books.

I'm really talking about fiction books. About a year ago I decided to finally give fiction another shot after years of being scarred from all the tedious John Grisham books that beach-loving Americans have had to endure. I took the few precious moments I had in between dealing with the sand in my crack and borrowed my husband's copy of The Road by Cormac McCarthy.

Yikes. Well that's gonna leave a scar. Not a book "so boring I'll never get those couple hours back" but a "holy freaking freak I'm freaked out" kind of book. It was brilliant and wholly disturbing.

My point with all this is that I stupidly decided to watch War of the Worlds on TV recently – similar but not as horrifying because you don't have to use your imagination. I watched the movie for about 45 minutes before deciding to go to bed because passages in The Road were creeping back into my head.

I spent nearly the entire night thinking about The Road and going to those horrifying places in your mind when you put your own family in the story. Can you picture me, Pat and the kids holed up in the basement with all the tomatoes we canned and the kids' Halloween costume sword accessories to protect us? I understand they are making a movie out of that book. Can't wait.

It's been more than a year since reading The Road and still the only fiction book I can manage to read is Cat in the Hat. Yeah books!

COOKIES
I just ate some cookies. They're delightful with I Saw Her Standing There. Look how much fun these people are having with Beatles music. I bet they never read The Road.

Good Day Sunshine

It's how I greet my boys in the morning. Sometimes I say good morning poopieheads, but I digress. This happy Beatles goes nicely with coffee.

Off to the beach tomorrow. No fools today, except the ones that are.

Do you have any dreams?

Yeah, I'm all alone. I'm rolling a big doughnut and this snake wearing a vest...
That's one of my favorite movie lines from one of my favorite movies, Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985). So many, many memorable quotes from that movie. Oh, Paul Reubens, will you ever make a comeback?

Fruits with vegetables
I've been eating all kids of crazy these days so my ability to pair is weakened by junk food overload. I had to cut through the all the noise in my head to know for sure that eggplant parmesan goes best with Strawberry Fields Forever. Both very delicious.

Fool on the Hill
I am having the time of my life following the Birthers and all their crazy. Just when you think it can't get any better, it does! Jon Stewart and The Huffinton Post reports gave me my biggest laughs.

Go now and chase those dreams. Be sure 'n tell 'em, LARGE MARGE sent 'ya!

It's a bit nutty

I discovered this past week that Fat Bastard stole my mojo. So I haven't blogged or exercised or stuck to eating anything less than my weight in cheese curls. I got my mojo back last night in the form of a horrible dream I won't repeat here so as not to depress others. I'm back baby!

Cook it is

Thanks to all who completed the Benny career poll. The winner was cook. On TV came in second. When I told him the results he was happy. He said he could always cook on TV if he wanted to do that. And other people could build his house for him. So far he can cook a bologna and cheese sandwich.

By the way, don't ever eat an Utz cheese curl (note...don't ever eat a cheese curl other than Utz) without easy access to Act Naturally.

Fool on the Hill

Thinking of this past week's Fool on the Hill, I'm going with Senator Jeff Sessions, R-Alabama. You can find a hilarious depiction of my feelings here.

Whew. I got through it and feel all tingly now. Later people.

I love the smell of childhood in the morning

I recently had a meeting in a room I'd never been in before. It smelled like childhood. I eventually pinpointed the smell to the bookcase in my grandma and grandpap Fajt's dining room. I usually call my sisters after smelling such a smell.

Don't you just love it when you smell something that takes you back to when life was far less complicated?

Now that our house is finally done smelling like the Diaper Genie, I'm hoping my boys will remember the smell of their childhood. My hope is that one day, when they're adults and possibly having a bad day, they too will call one another and say, "Guess what I smelled today?"

Mmmmmmmm…birds

Moving along…nearly every day for lunch I have smoked turkey on whole wheat with mustard and lettuce. The best Beatles song to go with such a meal is And Your Bird Can sing.

Fool on the Hill

As much as a loathe to give her any more thought, Moose Hunter Sarah Palin gets one more day for her blubbering and regular acts of stupidity.